Vaginal Science Fiction and Fantasy (Spring 2005 at All About My Vagina)
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Sexuality in “Earth Girls Are Easy”

Earth Girls Are Easy poster

B-Movies are so much fun because it is very hard to take them seriously. They have an element of goofiness to them that endears us to them and makes them cult classics. The actors in these movies quite often do not want to remember their part in them, but it is great to see them in their earlier exploits. Some examples of such movies are “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” “The Blob,” and my personal favourite, “Earth Girls Are Easy.”

There are several well-known actors in “Earth Girls Are Easy:” Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carey, Damon Wyans and Michael McKean. The biggest theme in this movie, other than the aliens’ genitalia and tongue, is sexuality. There are two groups who enact their sexuality throughout the course of the movie: the humans, played by Geena Davis, Charles Rocket and Julie Brown, and the aliens, played by Jeff Goldblum, Damon Wyans and Jim Carey. The symbolism and suggestion of sexuality is all over this movie and it’s a damn fine romp.

The movie opens with images of the perfect woman: a holographic image of a beautiful, dancing woman in the spaceship, and on earth, a lovely, young sleeping beauty, snoozing amidst her wedding veil. The ideal is based only on appearance; shallow, but honest. Valerie (played by Geena Davis) is a na´ve young woman who has a philandering fiancée. The fiancée gets home late from work to find Valerie asleep. He goes to the bathroom to apply cover up over the hickey he got while cheating on her. She wakes to find him home, quickly takes a birth control pill, hoping for sex, but of course, he is too tired. She tries to go to sleep, sexually frustrated.

The next day, she goes to work (she is an esthetician) and decides to have a make-over. This elicits a very excited response in all who are in the shop. She becomes a brand new girl. She decides to become blond and persuses a book entitled, “How to Drive Your Man Crazy.” It is a sign of the times that everything depends on appearance and on the woman needing to please her man. The evening backfires when, instead of going to a nail convention, she stays at home and he brings home another woman. He is tossed out on his ear and Valerie takes great pleasure in wrecking everything he owns. It is like Olivia Newton John singing a love song, while totaling a car.

On the spaceship, the “sailors” have been in space for a long time and they really need to meet women. They tap into a television frequency and they are treated to bodacious babes baring it all in swimsuits. One gets excited, pulls the wrong lever on the spacecraft and they are forced to make an emergency landing on Earth. So much for the useful high sex drive! The sperm-shaped spacecraft lands directly in Valerie’s pool.

Valerie takes it all in stride and tries to keep the spacemen from being discovered. They begin to learn at a geometric rate as they watch t.v. At wit’s end, Valerie takes her three new boyfriends to work to do a make-over to make them look human. They go from being furry and blue, red and yellow to being humanized into cool, hunky men. It is time for a night out on the town.

Valerie’s friend, Candy decides they should go to a club, despite Valerie’s protests. Candy does not understand the importance of secrecy; she wants her creations to shine in public. They go to a club to experience Earth life and Earth girls. Zeebo, played by Damon Wyans, experiences typical testosterone poisoning as he and another man have a dance fight. They do their best to out-do each other to win the girl, who is only interested in their dance moves.

Wiploc, played by Jim Carey, is determined to get laid. His ability to reach the bottom of a very tall glass with his tongue impresses the women immensely and Candy has to fight them off to be the lucky one. She enjoys a “liplock with Wiploc,” lying in the middle of a dance floor.

Mac, played by Jeff Goldblum, is concerned about Valerie and her breakup with her fiancée. He knows she is sad, and he attempts to console her by giving her the “love touch”, which makes her fully aroused. She still clings to the ideal of her fiancée, Ted, played by Charles Rocket. If only he would love her again. Despite her misgivings (are we compatible physically?), she and Mac have an incredible night of passion.

The next day, the spaceship is ready to go and the crew must decide to leave. Before their departure, Wiploc and Zeebo are distracted into going to the beach with the pool man, Woody (Michael McKean). He introduces them to the pleasures of women in bikinis and Julie Brown sings, “I’m a Blonde.” Gotta love a classic song. The boys inadvertently hold up a store and crash Woody’s truck. They never took driver’s education and they end up hanging from a giant donut. They are taken to the hospital, where Dr. Ted realizes they have two hearts. He believes he has two new guinea pigs, who will enable him to become famous. The boys are rescued by Mac and Valerie and they return to Valerie’s pool to take off.

As the aliens leave, Mac sends the love touch to Valerie and Ted, but it doesn’t work and Valerie begs Mac to take her with him as he is the right guy. She leaves Ted, cuddling with her cat, as she departs with the man of her dreams. Poor Wiploc and Zeebo, ever interested in appearance, never did get laid, but Mac and Valerie, who discover depth in relationships, live happily ever after.

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