Showdown: Vaginas in Music

To produce this, the Radio Vulva Ultimate Guide to References to Female Genitals in Music, I compiled a list of 16 songs with notable vulvo-vaginal lyrics and turned a pair of judges loose on them. Contenders were drawn randomly from a hat, two by two, to battle for the right to compete in the next round, until one champion emerged victorious. Songs were to be primarily judged on lyrical merit, but inevitably, the judges had to judge with their hearts. And what affects judges' feelings? Music. Especially music that they hate. More than one battle was won or lost in the rhythm section.

Start Round 1! -->

Meet The Judges

Galen, pictured here in cop shades, is a professional musician and a songwriter, playing with such fine indie bands as Elephant Island and Panty Boy. His love for pop songcraft runs deep— formulaic songs and masturbatory guitar solos have been known to make him genuinely, physically ill. His judgements are honorable and fun-loving.

Rebecca, shown dressed as Michael Jackson, had mono at the time of judging, and as of publication she still does. Consequently, she had very little energy for impartiality or tolerance of anything annoying. Her judgements are primal and pure. Highlights of her musical preferences include indie rock, motown, and rock music you can dance to, with a special note that she recently bought a pair of white, heeled ankle boots to help her dress like Prince.

I, Sarah was the tie-breaker in case of need. I don't have cop shades, so am not pictured here.

Ding Ding!

Round 1 | Round 2 | Round 3 | Final Round

Bonus: Battle of the Ultimate Losers

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