toy shoppes

page updated: 31-Mar-2004

Back Alley Porn Shoppe

A trashy, obnoxiously lit, porn-centric store may be the only choice if you live in a smaller urban centre. These are pretty easy to recognise: if the store sells sex toys, and it is ugly, it is a trashy sex shop. It probably has a faux-romance type name to help you recognize what it is (some local favorites: "Love Stop," next to "Sub Stop" sandwich shop, and "The Garden of Eden").

This kind of store caters either consciously or automatically to heterosexual men. It usually contains a vast selection of porn magazines, and a selection of plastic sex toys as well as joke toys for gag gifts, arranged so that everything in the store in fact looks like porn. Gruff staff will be working on the "ignore the customers so they won't get embarrassed" system.

Despite the overall appearance of low quality, these stores will often stock common mid-level toys, lubricants, and oils and will generally be cheaper than more stylish stores. This is also a good place to purchase items where quality either doesn't matter or doesn't vary much. In general, you can hope to find good value deals on:

  • inflatable farm animals that can be fucked
  • specialty pornography intended for heterosexual men
  • sometimes, lewd birthday cards, balloons, calendars, car fresheners, playing cards
  • novelty condoms that don't actually protect against disease or conception (glow in the dark, flavoured, bumpy)
  • edible underwear
  • liquid latex, non-edible body paint (or flavoured if you don't mind low-grade flavours like grape candy)
  • recognizable brands of lubrication (flavoured and otherwise)
  • one size fits all hosiery
  • "romance" items like self-heating massage oil and bath scents. Shop around for these, but if a more stylish shop has them the same brands can often be found here too.

In general, joke toys do not make good sex toys, and no-name scented things smell gross. Common sense, yes?

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