novelty condoms

page updated: 31-Mar-2004

On Beyond "Spermicidally Lubricated, Reservoir Tip"

My mental image of condoms is the sturdy old "don't get preggers or acquire an STD" variety. My mental image of sex toys includes mainly sparkly, jiggly, coloured things like dildos. Rarely does the combination spontaneously occur to me.

There are particular exceptions: Christmas shopping makes me think "novelty condom" in the context of "stocking stuffer." Bathrooms in gas stations and bars inspire me to check the vending machines for anything more rare than "tropical fruit flavours" or "exotic colours." Things with tassels that claim to be from Europe, etc.

Silly condoms are really a joke to me, but sometimes silly sex is fun. From my mainly random encounters with products called "Glo-Worm," "The Octopus," etc., I have this to note:

  • I like when manufacturers go to the trouble of inventing a stupid name for their product. These product names often make good nicknames for people. "Rough-rider"?
  • Just in case, because I know this kind of thing doesn't occur to some people (the people who are one step up from not bothering about birth control at all): novelty condoms are usually made of ridiculous materials that offer no protection against pregnancy or disease. Check the package. If you need real condoms, buy real condoms. You can put a silly one on top.
  • I always thought that "ribbed for her pleasure" varieties had lengthwise ribs. Not so. The ribs go around and around, which makes sense, really.
  • Glow condoms make me think of night-time hide and seek games.
  • Does anybody make novelty female condoms? Upon initial consideration that seems lame, but I think the outer rings have great design potential for gag gifts (bull's eye targets, sayings...).
  • Condoms with tentacles, "ticklers," and the like really make better sculptural pieces than practical sex toys, I think. There is a chafing factor.
  • There are some varieties of condoms that I have never encountered but that I think should exist: condoms that warm up, condoms with large gel-filled bumps (not just little rubber studs - more like the lumps on curvy dildos), and condoms with designs like tattoos instead of just solid colours. These could be called "Hot Dawg", "G-Force" and whatever removable tattoos get called, respectively. If anyone wants to offer me a job in their "all brainstorming, no follow-through" department I would be more than happy to oblige. Thank you.

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