September 21, 2005

More pill quitting notes: tentacles

Immediately after I quit birth control pills in June, I noticed a few habits resurfacing that I thought I had grown out of around the time I started the pills. Rearranging the furniture for fun, staying up really late by myself.

I’m wondering if my total wussiness/pacifism is disappearing with the synthetic estrogen as well. At first I thought the reason I seemed to be re-examining a lot of my boundaries about violence and self-defense was because I’ve started taking kung fu classes. But it’s come up in other areas as well.

Today, it’s about eating live octopus tentacles. My doomed love affair with cephalopods has probably popped up on this site somewhere. In essence, squids and octopuses are so neat that I wish I could hang out with them. You know those girls who are really into horses? It’s sort of like that. But cephalopods are totally alien and ruthless killers (for example, watch an octopus kill a shark, or attack a scuba diver). Since being friends is out of the question, I have been settling for a distant admirer type of relationship. (This is mainly in fun, to be clear.)

The thing is, my main conflict about octopods used to be that they were delicious. How could we be friends when I kept eating them at restaurants? I had mostly sworn off tentacle dining for the last several (pill saturated) years, to save me a broken heart.

This food review/battle report about eating live octopus tentacles at a restaurant in LA instantly revived the edible aspect of my love of cephalopods (see also the movie). Eating live tentacles embodies almost my entire relationship with the beasts. They fight, I desire. They are worthy opponents. I am conflicted, but must commit myself or I will barf. I’d rather be friends, but any relationship will do.

All in all, now seems to be the time to re-examine my decision not to be a ruthless killer. I used to be OK with some play around cruelty and domination (and meat eating) in high school. Maybe this is yet another trait from the past that is resurfacing now that I’ve stopped taking birth control.

It’s hard not to get caught up in how much I like the idea of complex and silly side-effects to hormone therapies.

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