August 22, 2004

Talk nerdy to me.

Tonight I had the dorkiest masturbation fantasy of all time!

When I first started masturbating, which was in junior high, I didn't fantasize at all. I just paid attention. This suited my intense desire to be honest with myself and not indulge in pretending just because I wanted something to be true. It took me awhile to get comfortable with what masturbation was for me, enough that I could fantasize and not feel that I was lying to myself. I needed to know that I understood what was really happening, and that I wasn't pretending that something else was happening or trying to escape the truth. I was just fantasizing, playing a role in my head (in fact, playing all the roles in my head).

For the rest of my teenaged years I continued to forego fantasy in favour of focus much of the time, and to use a lot of fantasies that weren't necessarily sexual, just sensual. Just colours, for instance, or I would press my face into something and imagine that I was feeling wind or water or something else on my face. That makes me sound like a serious hippie, but I think it was more related to a teenaged mystic phase involving listening to The Doors and lighting candles a lot.

In any case, for the last several years I have been a really lazy masturbator, just imagining whatever cheap penetration/oral sex fantasy will make me come fastest at any given time (not that there is anything wrong with that, it has just gotten monotonous). After reading Sex for One this spring, I spent April and May masturbating most mornings when I woke up, and using my masturbation fantasies as a kind of productivity meditation to help me get work done during the rest of the day. That makes me sound like a workaholic, but it was more like a substitute for Artist's Way-style morning pages. Except for that interlude, I haven't been intentional with my fantasies in a long time.

This brings us up to date, to tonight when loverman and I have been having a really goofy date at home, listening to grunge albums from 1993. This led to some seduction, and then to some lazing around enjoying just how long post-coital bliss can last, and then to some individual but side-by-side masturbation, during which I had The Dorkiest Masturbation Fantasy of All Time. I think I am gearing up for the Spring 2005 Science Fiction & Fantasy zine already.

I fantasized that I could see my clitoris as though it were a magical landmark in a dark forest. Everything was black and lit with blue. My clit became engorged with blue electricity, and was attended by tiny faeries who looked like glowing green sparkles and who flew in a circle around my clit/landmark waving invisible wands that gave off more pink and green sparkles. When I came, my clit shot blue lightning in all directions.

OK, do I win? Dorkiest ever? Sometimes weird visions just happen to me when I'm aroused, but never before during masturbation. I'm definitely planning to cultivate random masturbation dreams! Who knows where this will lead?

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