November 09, 2000

An orgasm made me cry yesterday.

This has never happened to me before. It wasn't sad crying, or happy crying, it was an overwhelmed sort of crying. It wasn't even a spectacular, death-defying orgasm. It was good, but not amazing. I don't know what happened.

Well, I sort of do. Lately I've been in a bit of an orgasmic slump due I think to a lingering gloomy mood. Even masturbatory orgasms haven't been that special, and orgasms during sex have been hard work and often ended up kind of deflating themselves. So an all right orgasm, simultaneous at that, was a relief and more than that.

I get funny when special boy and I don't match enough, especially about sex things. I don't mean that we have to be the same, just that we have to understand each other. Apparently all this business can trigger crying.

Other stuff too. I am way overdue for an update to the libido and orgasm (and masturbation) pages. This crying business brings the Things Orgasms Have Made Me Do list to: laugh, black-out, lose the ability to feel various body parts, shiver, hiccup, think I'm somewhere else (Spain, German ski chalet), and cry.

Today there are sensitivity and ornamentation. I'm still working on what I know about rape. It is intimidating to write about.

Also, I keep putting off the story of my annual pelvic exam (which was a full month ago now). This might be because it was kind of dull and I don't think anyone will care... Still, just to get it over with, here are some highlites:

Despite intellectually being in favour of having an annual pelvic exam, as a good compliant supporter of public health and preventative measures, I really did not want to get a pap smear this year. The idea of it was reeeeally distasteful. I made the appointment on auto-pilot, since I was already at the clinic picking up a prescription.

I spent almost a full week before the appointment complaining about the procedure to my beloved boy. The things that grate on me most are the greatly unglamorous stirrups and the manner in which I end up displayed to the doctor, and the actual poking, scraping and swabbing of my cervix.

Being saddled up on the exam table with a doctor peering at my bottom end gives me a giggly fear of farting. Not only would that be rude and unfortunate for the doc, they would actually be able to SEE me do it. Ack!

The cervix things are just uncomfortable, and make me want to twitch and swat the doctor's instruments out of my unit. Also, having a speculum pressing against my internal abdomen always makes me have to pee, and that makes for a lot of bodily functions to worry about performing on a doctor's face.

This particular pelvic exam was made somewhat more physically uncomfortable but also more fun by the doctor's volunteer assistant making me laugh while my cervix was being swabbed. She was saying they should have posters on the ceiling or something, and I suggested a mirror so we could get back to the "women in touch with their bodies" thing that used to be so big, and she said something else that was funny and I laughed. Contracting your belly sucks with a swab stuck in the opening of your uterus. Yuck!

Also: I forgot that the mandatory swab for chlamydia, which is an STD that has apparently reached epidemic proportions and often goes undiagnosed in females until they are rendered in pain and infertile by it, is a procedure requiring a swab to be left pressed into the opening of the cervix for 20 seconds. It is quite a long time, in context. I laughed 3 separate times during it and each one kind of hurt. Yuck again!

More swabbing: before doing the pap smear, the doctor requested a swab "to clean with." Apparently my cervix was unclean. I thought that was kind of funny (ha ha), and I'm sure is normal given how many secretions the cervix makes.

And just for interest sake: I had a new doctor this time, so he was reading over my file with me, and pointed out that in my test last year, my cervical swab samples had grown some kind of Candida, a yeast. He wanted to know if I'd been treated but I said no since I hadn't actually had any infection problems. Lots of things live in there. I don't want to kill them unless they get out of balance.

And, I think finally: you can refer to your vagina as a unit to a doctor and it apparently won't phase them. Mine didn't use the term back but seemed to understand what I was talking about when I referred to "the outside" vs. "the whole unit."

I ended up getting so grr about getting the exam that I didn't bother going through with my plan to get the doctor to show me my cervix while he was in there with the little light. I don't have a hand mirror anyway.

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